There is a reason I never had children. I don't discuss it much, but it is there, looming above me, disguised by the phrases, "we never got around to it" or "female problems". The reason is, I never had the burning desire. We could have adopted. We could have invested in fertility treatments. But I just didn't have the need that so many people have. So I had dogs instead. They are much more forgiving and love me unconditionally. They are excited to see me when I get home and can't wait to enjoy the love I give them.
There is also timing to the reason. My younger sister had them first. I had beautiful nieces who I could lavish with love, affection and gifts. I could teach them, look out for them, buy them pretty things and experience the good side of "parenthood". Unfortunately, with the good, always comes the heartache. A lifetime of heartache.
There are reasons for the heartache. One niece died at 15 and the other, well, she loved me once. She was excited to see me once. She enjoyed my company once. But she grew up. And now, I really don't know anymore.
As with all relationships where heartache is involved, there is always a back story. There is always history that led us to where we are today. And with all these relations, there is usually a core person or event that sets the tone for future relationships. The core, is my sister. For better or worse she is the core to most everything that happens in the family. She was good hearted once in her life, but I'm not really sure who she is anymore. One thing is for certain, everything; the earth's revolution around the sun, the wind blowing, the price of tea in China.... it is all about her. The world revolves around her and if it doesn't, it should. She's a legend in her own mind. If she doesn't get all the attention, she will create a vortex to suck the energy from the room. She is the Texas Tornado. She will not be denied. When overly self-involved people have children, it has been my experience that children are arm candy. Children are used to justify behavior, leverage to get more attention, leverage to get more financial help, leverage to keep the other members of the family on their toes.....leverage....for everything.
Now the sister's oldest child is 18. Although I've wanted to pretend that her mother's tradition of bad financial decisions, faulty judgment of character and living in constant drama and total chaos isn't being carried on through her, I'm so afraid it is. Is it always true that Users breed more Users? The answer is yes, if the child isn't aware of what is happening. If a person isn't self actualized enough to understand what is happening, then they will repeat witnessed behavior. What more do they know? And if the child has been manipulated through the majority of their life and abandoned in their teenage years, then that treatment is all they think they deserve. It takes a strong constitution to pull out of a pattern. I see glimpses of that strong will every now and again from my niece. But she goes back for more from her mother. She craves her mother's love, approval and attention. My sister knows this. It is currency. It is so sad to watch.
All the things my niece has had to endure; never knowing her father, having a different personality from her mother (that is tough on a child of the Texas Tornado), being kicked out of her home at 16 for no good reason and the loss of her sister just to name a few. My mother, Grandma, and I have tried to make it all better. We've tried to help her. We didn't cause all the heartache, but we worked our asses off to try to fix it. But she can't recognize the people in her life who help her pick up the pieces of her broken heart because the lure of the call from her Mother is so persuasive, it clouds all judgment and reason. Her mother hurts her, manipulates her, abandons her, ignores her and she keeps going back for more. My niece was blessed with a romantic memory. My niece was cursed by that romantic memory.
Be that as it may, there comes a time when those who give and give and give some more just can't keep giving. I can't keep giving while she takes and goes back for more and more abuse. All it takes is a glimpse of this person I thought I knew and I would bend over backwards to see that she gets the help she needs. But sometimes, it is more valuable to get the glimpse of the person as she is now, at this point in her life. The one who is easily manipulated. The one trying to find her way in the world by listening to the wrong people. The one that isn't taking care of herself and doesn't really want to learn how.
There are those comments every now and then that showed me who she was. But I tried to ignore them. So did her Grandmother. But they are there. The little lies she tells even though she is basically an honest person. Those little "off-white" lies that she thinks will keep her from having to take her head out of the sand. The way she never called or even texted to wish her Grandmother Merry Christmas. When I asked her if Grandma was eating alone for Christmas Dinner, she didn't know and didn't want to find out... even though she was just a block from her house. The refusal to take her Grandmother to the eye doctor later in the month even when her Grandmother rarely asks a favor of her. The way she laughed and had no sympathy when her Grandmother told her that she became really ill at the doctor's office and threw up everywhere. The way she told her Grandmother very matter-of-factly that she was senile and that I was crazy and always have been. Yes, there are many glimpses into the character of an 18 year old girl who doesn't appreciate all that her Grandmother sacrificed and has done for her for 18 years. Flashes of a girl on the road to being a user. There comes a time in every "usees" life when a declaration has to be made. Here is my declaration: Enough! I'm tired of being afraid that she will cut off communications with us. I'm tired of pussy footing around the truth for fear of upsetting her. It is now so achingly clear that she doesn't give us much thought at all.
Therefore, if I'm going to practice what I preach, I have to stop being the "usee". I have to stop what I believe has become me trying to buy her affections. I thought I was helping her since only her Grandmother and I were even trying. But in the end it isn't wanted, welcomed or appreciated. So what is the point.
So, I now see the truth. I now see what Mr. I has been saying forever. I now see what my brother has been saying. As much as I defended my niece against any and everyone, in the end I guess they were right and I was wrong. I've removed the rose colored glasses.
Like I said, Truth Hurts.
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